I have a test

I have an appointment with my neurologist tomorrow morning. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging by saying, "my neurologist," it's absolutely my first time seeing one. I just have to keep adding the word "my" to make it more personal and less frightening. The appointment will probably consist of introducing ourselves and then recounting my 6 weeks in the hospital during my awful strike of meningitis. Then we are supposed to start the test(s). 

I'm not exactly sure what testing will be done, I know that there will be cat scans and a possible lumbar poke, which I'm hoping doesn't happen because I had 3 done in those 6 weeks of meningitis. I'm worried of what the results will be because, I think I feel so great that I'll probably be slapped down with reality. My doctor says I'm probably 80% recovered but mentioned that one of he secondary concerns during recovery was nerve damage, so the neurologist will be testing for that as well. I was audibly thrilled. 

I keep telling myself that it's gonna go by quick. That we are just gonna do a 1-2-3 testing and done. I'm hoping for an hour, maybe 2, of testing. Fingers crossed. On the bright side: I will have my bedroom wallpapered by Monday. Yay! 

It's the little things…

So far...

Ok...

I'm really pushing myself to stick to the said "to-do list" that I set myself, and as promised, I did purchase an important piece of furniture for the month of May. I bought a headboard for my bedroom. Now, I moved back to California from Arizona in the summer of 2012, when I came back I was...let's say: rushed. So I had to make sure I could fit in a Budget trailer attachment to my Tundra. At that rushed time I could only afford the one bedroom trailer, so I had to dump everything except for things. Things such as: books, dvds, kitchenware, dishes, towels. I left all furniture, including my bed, behind.

Anyway!

Here's my stupid face of enjoyment with said headboard behind me.

Please don't judge my awful burnt orange wall. The entire room was painted that awful Gerber baby food color and I have already painted 3 of the 4 walls; the only reason I left one that disgusting carrot soup color is because I plan on wallpapering the wall. I too have lagged on doing this, as i've had the wallpaper for about 8 months now... yeah, i know. Anyway. I'm hoping  planing to reach out to this wallpaper specialist my friend recommend me last year on Monday, and see when she's available to come down and give me a quote. 

To do list

I bought my first home last year at the end of May. It was almost like a birthday present to myself from myself (and a little help from mom). I knew I didn't want a yard, because the thought of having to pay someone to do my yard work- let alone doing it myself gave me hives. So I  settled for a 2bedroom/2bathroom condominium, which is really just a longer word for apartment in my opinions, in downtown Long Beach. My neighborhood is a loud neighborhood, it's full of personality and it makes me feel comfortable because I feel I can get lost in it. Not lost in a bad way, but lost in a safe way. You'd have to be crazy to understand.   

Once I moved in I set an end of year deadline to have furnished what I felt would be enough to be presentable at a housewarming party. I would say I got about 65% done by the end of that year. A lot of the year was spent debating. Debating what shape the coffee table would be. What color the shelving would be. What color pops did I want to use? How did I feel about pillows? Uselssss questions and endless I'll waiting out's. The money ended up spent on lavish dinners where the calorie count was higher in alcohol than actual food. My deadline was lost in the dishes. 

The following year (this year) came in with a bang! I was slapped with a terrible case of meningitis and spent the next 2 months in a hospital followed by a month, so far, of recovery. It's safe to say not much more decorating or furnishing has happened to this new condo of mine. I spent this last weekend at the condo (with permission from my at-home-nurse a.k.a. mom) and I realized how much time and money I've been wasting by not committing and making the call or decision on some things. I mean I haven't put up the wallpaper in my room simply because I'm too timid to pick up the phone and set up an appointment for a quote. 

Yes, moving into a new home with nothing but a mattress can be overwhelming. Making lasting decisions because this is your home now, not just a place you're renting for the next 10 months, can be stressful but really I think I was only making it stressful by telling myself how stressful it was. I vow that for the remaining months of this year I will do my absolute best to purchase at least one piece of furniture for the condo biweekly. I mean if it was easy enough to spend $100 on a Friday night sushi and sake date, then it should be no sweat off my back to drop 200$ biweekly on something I need for the home of my present and my future. 

Welcome back!

I have too many loose ends in my life, too much unfinished business, too many incomplete projects. I give up and or get bored too easily. Or perhaps the latter is an excuse...

I'm hoping this return to internet venting is a longer lasting one. I have so much pent up energy that maybe writing it out can help me cool down. I think that's generally why writers write, and blogger blog... to get it out. Right? Meh. We shall see...

Welcome back to my tremendous life!

Blue Velvet

I slept all day today. Not cause I was hungover; I wasn't even really tired; at least not mentally or physically. Is it tacky to say, I felt my soul was worn down?
It was a weight unlike heart break, bereavement, or even guilt and embarrassment. It was...almost camouflaged between all the tragedies and obstacles life has tossed me.
I woke with a snap. It was 3:50 and I was ready to get out.
I drove and drove. I wasn't sure where I would go, but I knew I wanted to follow the sunset; so I headed to PCH.
As I watched the storm clouds hover over the coast, I connected the song to that blue velvet coast: through it all, I still see blue velvet through my tears.
I don't see myself leaving this coast, not unless its on business or vacation; my roots are here, and I don't plan on deforesting my soul anytime soon.
-Judas

Fools rush in.

I gave into it, I really believed it could and in fact WOULD work. It turned out to be nothing but a mirage; a daydream I didn't want to let go of.
I don't know if I'm hurt or embarrassed, but the knot in my chest is unbearable. How could I be so naïve.
"Wise men say: only fools rush in."

No wonder I'm so jaded.

Answers

Dear Danvy,
...I just need to know if what I'm doing is right...

I realize now, more than ever... Probably because I'm jobless and bored out of my mind, but movies in the 70's through...I would say extremely early 90's...like maybe 90 and 6 months; these movies were made for dates. I miss the era of the date. When was the last time you went on a date? (singles only) Not meet at a bar, or a party, or a best friends work party. A date. Dessert, walking, movies, talking and making out. Back to the reason why i'm talking about all this making out... In my lazy hours, I've been able to catch early HBO, Cinemax films and, let me say...these movies are a perfect length with perfect moments full of null. The ideal make out moment. There are several. I've been watching Taxi Driver, from 1976, for the past 37 minutes and I could have made out at least once and still have those breathing breaks where I could follow up on the film. Now-a-days movies are too fast, too extreme... What happened to enjoying life?

update:

Recalled a dream from last night of an albino rat, all while watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Rats

To see a rat in your dream signifies feelings of doubts, greed, guilt, unworthiness and envy. You are keeping something to yourself that is eating you up inside. Or you have done something that you are not proud of. Alternatively, a rat denotes repulsion, decay, dirtiness, and even death. The dream may also be a pun on someone who is a rat. Are you feeling betrayed?

In particular, to see a black rat represents deceit and covert activities. If you see a white rat in your dream, then it means that you will receive help from an unexpected source.

To dream that a rat is biting your feet is analogous to the rat race that you are experiencing in your waking life.

It was my pet, but he (at least it felt like it went from androgynous to male at times) was angry...jealous of Marley?

Foggy now. Oh well...
*fingers crossed*

Empty

I can't seem to find the right route...
Correction: I can find the right route, in fact, I have found it. I know the road by heart. I've walked it over and over in my head. I know just where the the turns are, where leaves land, where ground moistens, and where the trees provide the best shade.
On my flight home, Radio by Lana Del Rey came on my Blackberry and all I could do was relate.
Finally.
I was finally on the right road, I was doing what I used to make up in my head. The job that I always envisioned was here. I was living it. I was traveling, I was supporting, I was motivating and inspiring others. Most importantly; I was impressing a lot of important people. In short: work has been great. As the song says, "Like a fuckin dream, I'm livin it."

Now if I can just get my personal life on this, said road. I came home and of course I manage to realize that I haven't managed my finances at all... It's sad that I can be so in control of my work life, so motivated, so eager to keep growing and yet, with my personal life I can't seem to run a God damn thing...
It's really embarrassing. I'm embarrassed of myself...
I keep promising myself to focus on myself week after week.
*sigh*
I've got to focus.

That Horse

In my life I've realized, I'm the kind of person that not only holds on to things, but I also hope for a change of an action that has already taken place. I'm not sure if that means I constantly live in regret...but I always look back.


When listening to Shake It Off by Florence + the Machine, I realized that song is my life in lyrics.

I'm always dragging that horse around.


Hopefully soon, like she sings, I'll bury that horse in the ground.

Exhausted

This insomnia is taking over my nights.
It's like sometimes I find myself dreading the evening because I know I'll have to battle with it. I've got to figure something out.

Get it together

Dear Danny,
You've got to figure your shit out. What's wrong? What is that void? Why is it constantly nagging at you?
Get your shit together. Look in the mirror, you can only call yourself a pig so many times.
Do something.
Figure it out
Figure it out
Figure it out
Figure it out
Figure it out
Figure it out
Figure it out
Figure it out
Figure it out
Figure it out
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Seriously, figure it out.
I'm tired of it.

The unknown.

I can't even pin point the feeling I get when I recollect.
It's not anger, or anxiousness. It's more like...embarrassment.

Not an embarrassment of the memory,an embarrassment of looking back at it.
Almost like inside I feel like, I'm too good to look back.

Maybe I am.
I should really stick to that, it makes erasing memories less awkward.

Cold Front.

Stop questioning it.

Keep your head where it's at; keep your heart where it's told to be, not where it wants to be.

Stay cold.
Stay distant.

There's no need for confusion.

Positive Energy

I'm trying to put out as much positive energy as I possibly can. I don't want to day dream anymore. I spent a good 2...probably 3 months in a great mode of focus, a great mode of energy and self-help. I let it go because I felt like I finally had it under control and that I found something better to focus on.
Turns out, there's nothing better to focus on than yourself.

{put out positive energy}

So....I let it all go and I am completely disgusted in myself now. I'm not saying that I'm constantly bashing myself, but I know I could be better. From sleep patterns, physique, cleanliness, literature, even hair tidiness. I spent a lot of last night thinking about it, really thinking about it. I want to put forth positive energy in hopes of receiving it.
Work has been heavy, stressful, but very developmental. I have really grown in my position and in my knowledge of, "what it takes." I also have recently felt the weight of the Holiday Season, I feel strung out; tired; brittle. I need a break.

{put out positive energy}

All I want is to see my family, have a large dinner at home (not a restaurant), laugh and feel the warmth of Family. Unfortunately, my lack of focus has cost me to miss a proper saving for a flight. Then I realized, woops! that was the only weekend I could take to see my Family, because of course in the world of Retail, there's a thing called Inventory which happens every 9 months and it so happens to be the weekend I could AFFORD to see my family. Oh well, I guess....

{put out positive energy}

Work is going fantastic! In fact, I'm officially to open more than half of the new stores in my region, which means, I'll be traveling 2 weeks out of each month starting.....February I believe. Which means...If I don't see my Family in January, I may not be able to see them until June.
Le sigh...

Insert positive energy here ______________

The end ['11]

There are so many tales of how to start your year the right way. I've heard of wearing green underwear for a prosperous and healthy year; wearing red for a powerful and love filled year; throwing a glass full of water into the street, if it breaks your year will be positive, if it doesn't, you'll have a hard year.
Do they work? Fuck if know. I've tried them all since I was about 15, not sure it ever worked. Not sure I even remembered which one I tried on which year. The last 2 years have been my most memorable for many reasons-

2010- Moved to AZ against my family and friends wishes. Was accompanied by my very best friend who lived with me for about 8 months. That year brought a lot of inner struggles: Who am I? Why did I come here? Is this worth it? Who will forget me? Who will support me? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? In that same year I had friends from home come out to visit me, to support me, to love me.
I spent most of my days working and trying to experience my new environment, with so much hatred towards it, I guess that's why I spent most of my days in regret and in alcohol. It's the only way I knew how to keep myself calm.
In 2010 I also went to jail. Sure it was only 15 days incarcerated but it came with 15 days of house arrest and of course 72 hours of the dreaded classes. After that I went straight to California, straight home to what I had hoped would be my saving grace. I rang the death of 2010 with family, friends and drugs.

2011- I renewed my lease, something I thought I would never do. I was already so fed up with the thought of being alone and in trouble, that I figured: what more can I lose? Surprisingly, I didn't lose much, in fact I actually gained. I became more aware of myself, my loneliness, my desires, my wants...
I met actual friends, people that I enjoyed spending my time with and make memories. And memories I did make.
I can't say much about 2011 that is foul, it really became a year of satisfaction. Sure I didn't go above and beyond my expectations, but I was happy; and that was all I was really looking for.

My belief in myths and legends?
Well...when I closed 2009 in Arizona I drank myself stupid and into fits of anger. In 2010 I got my DUI and spent the year angry at my enviornment.
When I closed 2010 in California I rang it in with mounds of cocaine and bottles and bottles and bottles, surrounded by loved ones and comfort. In 2011 I found drugs in AZ and found myself comfortable and happy alone.
Closing 2011 I'll be in Arizona, alone, happy....so let's hope for the best in 2012.

All Dressed Up.

This Holiday season took me by surprise. Not that it came so quick, not that it was full of unexepcted events, simply because for the first time i actually didn't feel the Christmas Spirit. I'll admit that I am in no way a fan of the Christmas Spirit, nor do I enjoy the Holiday season, but I've always been able to feel it.
I can smell it in the air, hear it on the highway, in the streets...and this year I couldn't. I noticed it immediately on the second week of November, then it continued and continued and continued; I even searched for it, but nothing came of it. I'm not saying I'm dying to find the Spirit, but I felt it's absence, and I think I missed it. I may not like it, but I missed hating it this year.
Christmas is here and as usual, working in retail means no vacation time to spend it with loved ones, so here I am: dressed to the nines, martini in hand, waiting for the Spirit to come and make me feel like I have something to look forward to- cringing.

Prayer

I'm a prayer: all you see is breath.
I am empty.
I am skin and bones.
I'm a ribcage.

I am realized.
I am chained; I choose to stay here.

To a hopeless cause I sold my Soul.
A romantic; plastic; piece of shit, you can mold.
Until I break into chokeable pieces.


Arizona: year 3 begins now.

Wish me luck.

Promises, promises.

Change my routine, I said.
Do something charitable, I proposed.

Nothing yet. Granted, I've only been home for about 5 days. I really want to put faith in myself. I feel focused with work, now it's time to put that energy to focus on my home-life. No use in putting all my hope at work, right?

"Cause you gotta have faith..."